The Lonliest Pain: Surviving A Horrible Haircut

A very good friend of mine recently got a haircut that didn't end up quite as she'd planned. The gaffe was so bad she ultimately had to cut her shoulder length hair really, really short. Brigitte Nielsen of 'Rocky' short.

After surviving the five stages of grief and hiding in her house while her hair grew, she finally arrived at acceptance and emerged from her self-imposed exile. The journey had been an emotional one.

The evening after The Event With Her Hair, she told me she'd held the bathroom hostage for hours and pulled all available amps on the circuit by plugging up every hair styling device she owned in an attempt to extract a miracle from the chaos on her head. She ranted and raved while her husband stared on in fear. After offering unsolicited advice on what she should have told her stylist before she took up her weapons of shear destruction, he made a quick exit from the bathroom while my raging friend searched for a flat iron not in use while babbling incoherent threats. She later told me the following morning she noticed piles of laundry neatly folded on the coffee table which had never happened as best she can recall.

We've all been in her shoes. Yes, there are many things more worthy of concern than hair but in my opinion, a bad haircut ranks pretty high on the list of Superficial Things That Suck. So to help current victims and future ones, I've compiled a list of Bad Haircut Survival Techniques.

1. Panic-Everyone says this is the one thing you should not do, but I disagree. If you tell yourself not to panic, you're more likely to leave the salon assuring yourself you're just imagining you look like Larry from the Three Stooges. Embrace the fear and tell your stylist before you leave so you won't have to pay full price for your ruined reputation but decline her offer to try and fix it. You've likely made her nervous and the outcome will most likely be worse. Ask for a discount and go see someone else.

2. Cry-Rant, rage, day dream about revenge but get it all out and don't feel bad for raving like a lunatic. You look like one so why not play the part?  Everyone may assure you your hair looks fine and while that may be the case in some respect, they're lying.

3. Change Stylists-I was with the same girl for years when she wrecked my life. No one will ever be able to convince me she wasn't recreating the River Dance routine she'd seen on a PBS program the previous evening while cutting my hair. After I'd paid the bill, she oohed and ah'ed about how cute the style was when the sinking feeling in my gut assured me the blunt layer two inches above my ear was not. Once the full scope of my hideousness was revealed, I felt betrayed she'd allowed me to leave. To make matters worse, I realized the bogging down sound I'd heard when she placed the clippers against the back of my head  to clean up my neck was the sound of the Wahl's gouging out a chunk of my hair. She'd assured me the blades on her device were lose and had gotten no where near my hair. In terms of hair, this woman is now dead to me. I love her and hope she goes to heaven, but she will never get near my wig with shears again.

4. Embrace Seclusion-For the first few days, your hair will be in a state of shock. Don't bother looking this up to see if I'm telling the truth. Convincing me your hair is perfectly fine being assaulted is a stretch I'm just incapable of making. Your follicles need a few days to adjust after you've likely washed it forty times, flat ironed out the pigment and asked 37 people to cut on it (including yourself) in hopes of pulling out a miracle. Stay home.

5. Get A Prescription- I'm not advocating reckless benzo use but I will admit Xanax did wonders to calm my irrational mind. Go see your doctor if you feel you are suffering from actual depression. It's not weakness people, it's a sickness and I have no doubt I labored under it for a few weeks. Your hair is an extension of your personality. Walking around in public with jacked up hair is a big deal.

If you feel you need more moderate advice, you can find some additional tips here.