Look, No Cord

For 365 days, or 525949 minutes prior to his eligibility for an upgrade, I have suffered through Scott Shepherd’s endless discussions about his next phone. For the past few months, he repeatedly touted the features of the Samsung Galaxy 3.

Nuggets of technological goodness had emerged regarding the impending release of the Samsung 4. Being a self-professed gadget geek, I encouraged Scott to consider the more advanced version. Obviously mine was poor advice, but the stranger at the phone store whom he paid a commission to, provided more sound advice.

On Monday, Scott arrived at work with his new phone. Though the week isn’t over, these past four days have been the longest of my life. The Samsung Galaxy 4 is amazing, however Scott with the Samsung Galaxy 4 is not.He's obviously been preoccupied with his new toy, but today my patience was exhausted.

Searching for the day of the week on which July 13th occurred, I offered to turn two inches to my left and pluck the calendar off the wall.

‘Naw, I got it. This is easier, ‘ he said raising the phone to his mouth while I revealed the month of July. I was torn between being offended that he actually thought I would believe his way was more efficient and fascination that he would go to that much trouble.

‘Pull up month of July,’ he commanded Galaxy, Samsung’s answer to Siri.

‘I’m sorry. I don’t understand your command,’ Galaxy replied. He raised the phone once more to repeat the request when I interrupted him.

‘Wednesday. July 13th is on a Wednesday.’ I experienced a surge of endorphins as I imagined duct taping that phone to an IED and giving ‘Galaxy’ an entirely new meaning.

I can appreciate his excitement. I go through the same thing when I get new gadgets, but Scott is out of control.

Here’s some advice for those who may come into contact with my co-host this week:

-While watching a video on your phone, prepare for Scott's phone to instantly appear beside yours while he woefully complains that he is unable to view the video on your phone due to its miniscule screen.

-Be patient while he speaks numerous commands into his phone. She's either rebellious or does not want to be accused of enabling because she refuses to obey any of them. To date, Scott's missed calls stand at 347 because when the phone rings, he will look down at the screen and issue the voice command, 'Answer!' She will not.

-If he commands you to ‘Say Cheese!’, do not. The phone will not take your picture as requested and you will feel dumb after five minutes of standing motionless while your smile falters and he urges you to ‘hang on.’

-Feign amazement when he shows you the picture scrolling feature or holds his phone aloft in the air so that all may experience the page turning noise emanating from the phone while he scrolls through an e-book.

-Resist the urge to suggest ‘Galaxy’ rename herself to ‘Black Hole’ because that is where his voice commands appear to go.

-When you inquire on the phone’s eye-scroll feature that pushes content up the screen as you read assume that although Scott insists the feature is neat, his verdict is based on pure conjecture. He has been unsuccessful in actually activating it on his phone.

I don't mean to appear petty, but I cannot ‘watch this’ anymore.