Ohio State Fans Invoke Decades-Old Alabama Football Curse
This is satire, so... deal with it.
They brought it upon themselves.
Fans of the Ohio State Buckeyes have disturbed the ghost of University of Alabama legendary Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant, thus cursing themselves and their team.
Fans Kayceigh, Laceigh, and Megynn posed with the statue in the early morning hours of Tuesday, January 5th, donned in their best Ohio State gear, using the statue of Bear Bryant as the I in school's infamous O-H-I-O stance.
The young co-eds were soon shocked to find that they'd brought a curse upon their beloved team.
"It was, like, terrifying," said Murray City sophomore Kayceigh Harrington.
"We snapped the picture, and the next thing I knew thousands of oatmeal pies started falling from the sky. It, like, really hurt... and Megynn's trying to go gluten-free right now, which is like... ugh So rude," she said.
Sandusky senior Laceigh Longaberger also noticed a change in her cell phone.
"The notification to every app was changed. I can't fix it, which is bullsh*t, because I have an iPhone 12. It's just some old dude saying I AIN'T NEVER BEEN NOTHING BUT A WINNER. What does that even mean?" Longaberger said.
"We got in Laceigh's Land Rover and tried to drive away as fast as we could, but then this running back came out and hurdled over the car. He jumped over THE WHOLE CAR like it was nothing. I don't understand it, said Hicksville (yes, that's an actual town in Ohio) junior Megynn McConnell.
Though the co-eds were able to escape Tuscaloosa relatively unscathed, their actions may have potentially cost the Buckeyes a national championship.
"When they snapped that photo, they performed a football voodoo ritual known commonly as 'disrespectin' the Tide,'" explained local Gump and Bear Bryant Ghost Expert James St. James.
St. James said shortly after the co-eds departure, photos of their escapades soon started appearing in the Alabama Football Locker Room.
"You see, the Tide feeds on what we colloquially call 'disrespect,' and the results are almost devastating. Their egregious actions will only make the O-Line stronger and the defense more fierce," St. James said.
"There's nothing they can do now but accept their fate on January 11th," he added.
Other victims of the curse include LSU Head Coach Ed Ogeron and the entire Auburn University fanbase.