Caillou is back on Sprout's morning schedule, and I am dying. This show is THE WORST. Parents, y'all know what I'm talking about here.

Caillou is an animated series from Canada; it's about a whiny bald kid named Caillou, which is French for 'pebble.' (This is especially hilarious, as I would like nothing more than to throw like 85896159386 pebbles at the people who put this hate crime on TV.) Caillou is a four-year-old who whines ALL THE TIME about EVERYTHING. He lives with his parents, who dress like a bunch of normcore morons, his baby sister, Rosie, and their dumb cat, Gilbert. (Who names a cat GILBERT? Honestly.)

Caillou is garbage. The kid who voices Caillou should be charged with high treason. This kid has the single most annoying voice on the planet. It's like the show producers had an Ouija board and were like, Hey, let's summon a high-pitched banshee demon, and it worked so they rolled with it.

Every episode is the same: Caillou's parents or some other adult tells Caillou to do/not to do something>he ignores them>mayhem ensues>Caillou cries and whines>an adult helps him solve his problems. UGH. It's so awful. And the whole series is animated so that it looks like a child's drawing, which should be endearing but it's not. Like, I can only look at so many yellow and red shoddy-looking cars and houses before I want to gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon.

I watch Caillou and think... Why did you do this to us, Canada? We're neighbors. I love you and your maple syrup, but no amount of Justin Trudeau can ever make up for this most heinous offense.

I hate Caillou, so here's a list of 50 things I'd rather do than watch this godawful show:

  1. Clean my kitchen floor with a toothbrush
  2. Run a marathon
  3. Run a marathon in flip-flops
  4. Listen to Gilbert Gottfried read War & Peace out loud
  5. Take the SAT again, but this time in a room full of angry hornets
  6. Get stuck in the checkout line behind that old lady who has a coupon for literally everything and pays in pocket change
  7. Have all my teeth pulled out with no anesthetic
  8. Walk barefoot across a black asphalt parking lot in August
  9. Be an Auburn fan
  10. Eat raw Brussels Sprouts
  11. Literally anything
  12. Get in a fist fight
  13. Be cursed by an angry warlock
  14. Get a bunch of papercuts and then dip my hand in lemon juice
  15. Host a dinner party for like 75 people and then do all the dishes by hand
  16. Go on a road trip with Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden
  17. Participate in a televised debate with Donald Drumpf
  18. Clean a dumpster by hand
  19. Go Black Friday shopping
  20. Eat an entire bag of raw chia seeds without being able to brush my teeth afterward
  21. Watch a really long movie with the volume turned so low I can just barely hear it
  22. Get stuck in Friday rush hour traffic on McFarland Boulevard
  23. Write a Phd dissertation about the cultural impact of the Macarena
  24. Get slapped in the face
  25. Get the Zika virus
  26. Listen to a room full of people chewing
  27. Listen to all the Kidz Bop songs on repeat
  28. Go to a furry convention
  29. Get stuck in Birmingham rush hour traffic
  30. Drive on 280
  31. Go to a Cleveland Browns game
  32. Eat popcorn with no butter or salt
  33. Eat that weird Jell-O salad that one lady brings to the church potluck, you know the one with pistachios or whatever in it that's somehow a pastel color which is gross because WHO PUTS MILK IN JELL-O, Bernice
  34. Listen to Kayne West talk about fashion
  35. Walk across the Sahara Desert
  36. Have people I respect insult me to my face
  37. Hike Red Mountain in late July while wearing a sweatsuit
  38. Jump out of an airplane with no parachute
  39. Cry
  40. Eat a live cockroach
  41. Punch someone
  42. Be punched
  43. Help a casual acquaintance move
  44. Shave my legs with a dull razor
  45. Have someone shoot me with a paintball at point-blank range
  46. Watch a Forensic Files marathon (J/K. I do that anyway.)
  47. Eat a ham sandwich on rye bread with no mayo
  48. Watch someone eat a piece of strawberry cake from Edgar's knowing they won't share with me
  49. Drive a car without A/C
  50. Die


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