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No Such Thing as PMS, Huh? Conspiracy Theories + Other Truths

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All betrayals are painful, but the cruelest of cuts are those inflicted when a bond is broken by one of your own.

Ladies, the walls of womanhood have been breached.

Dr. Sarah Roman from New Zealand claims symptoms commonly associated with PMS, such as mood swings or profound urges to maim others, are bunk. This treachery is a slight against all women — past, present and future — but Dr. Roman’s duplicitous nature was exposed when she proposed her hypothesis. Although unveiling the extent of such chicanerousness (made it up) will result in some discomfort, full disclosure will enable us all to mourn, so that healing can begin.

“(…)these studies failed to provide clear evidence in support of the existence of a specific premenstrual negative mood syndrome in the general population, (…)this puzzlingly widespread belief needs challenging, as it perpetuates negative concepts linking female reproduction with negative emotionality.”

Et tu, Brute? No greater evidence for PMS exists than Dr. Roman’s own statement which clearly illustrates she labored under a monthly mood swing when her loogie of lies was hocked in our collective faces.

Let’s suppose Eve decided Adam deserved punishment for allowing himself to be manipulated into sampling Eden’s forbidden fruit. A few days each month, she transforms Paradise into Purgatory and discovers this particular brand of negative reinforcement is an effective tool for behavior modification. The knowledge gleaned from Eve’s powerful ruse is carefully cultivated and cherished by generations of mothers and daughters alike — a Masonic handshake, if you will.

All is well until one smart-aleck suffering from estrogen deficiency takes ruining everyone’s fun upon herself.

Had Dr. Roman simply taken a cautious step back, adorned herself in a pair of well-worn flannel pajamas and yelled a few irrationalities at loved ones while consuming a large quantity of chocolate, this travesty could have been avoided.

Earth continues to rotate perfectly on its axis, because certain things are not questioned or explored. They just are. While Dr. Roman’s motivation is known only to her, she would do well to borrow a page from those who hold the keys to some of history’s greatest secrets:

  • The Moon Landing -- LOL.
  • Area 51 – Much remains unknown about the events surrounding that night in the Nevada desert, but one fact has emerged: attempting to breach the razor wire protecting the large industrial freezers preserving the autopsied remains of aliens will result in multiple gunshot wounds and a brief siesta upon a government-owned operating table while your memory is erased.
  • Black Helicopters – because I am currently under surveillance, I do not feel comfortable commenting on this at this time.

Gird your loins, comrades, and understand the weapon Dr. Roman has gifted to men has divided civilization into the day BEFORE this study was published and the day AFTER.

Welcome to the Matrix.

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