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Top 5 Revelations Garth Brooks Could Drop at His Big Press Conference

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Did you hear that Garth Brooks is making a major announcement on Thursday, July 10 at 11 a.m. CDT?  What do you think it could be?  Is it the tour dates he promised us last year?  Is it an agreement to finally get his songs as digital downloads?  Is it a new album?

Hmm.  Hard to say with Garth.  Those things are likely, sure — but here are five more things we think he could also announce.


1

Where Chris Gaines’ Corpse is Buried

 
 

Remember Chris Gaines?  Garth’s alter ego that he was supposed to have been playing for a movie that never came out?  The one that almost derailed his career entirely?  No?  Are we all just suppressing that weird time in our lives?

 
2

A Whole Album of Sequel Songs

 
 

Wouldn’t it be great if he wrote sequels to his biggest hits?  How about “The Thunder Kept Rolling,” a song where the abused woman goes all Quentin Tarantino on everyone who wronged her?  Maybe a sequel to “That Summer,” where he realizes that maybe he should hook up with women his own age?  Or “Anonymous Friends in Lower Places,” where the song’s character starts attending AA meetings?

 
3

Digital Downloads … But On Napster

 
 

Poor Garth – he can’t get with the times.  You still can’t legally download his songs through iTunes or Amazon.  Maybe he’ll take baby steps and get his songs on Napster, since that was dominant service for downloading mp3s when Garth was last big.  Remember Napster?  Chris Gaines remembers Napster.

 
4

He’s Actually Taylor Swift’s Biological Father

 
 

In a reverse 'Star Wars' kind of thing, Garth announces that he’s biologically responsible for Taylor Swift.  Now he has to hatch a plan to get her to turn away from the Dark Side and back to the Force.  He knows what the Dark Side holds.  He’s been there, baby.

 
5

Nothing -- He Just Wanted to Know You Still Cared

 
 

Face it, if Garth wanted to call a press conference just to say, “Hey, guess what – I’m still married to Trisha Yearwood, ya dumb mooks!” people would totally watch it.  Don't lie.  At this point, people are so Garth-starved, he could sing a cookbook and it would go platinum.  Plus, as far as Nashville marriages go, the length of his and Trisha’s is kind of impressive.

 

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