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Cam Newton Thinks It’s Funny to Hear ‘Females’ Talk About Football

New Orleans Saints v Carolina Panthers
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Cam Newton thinks it’s “funny” to hear “females” talk about football. HAHAHAHAHAHA. He’s so right! 

Cam, did you know they let us gals DRIVE actual CARS now? How funny is that? Our little lady brains have a hard time thinking about how to operate a motor vehicle because we’re too busy daydreaming about bonbons, shopping, and Mr. Right, but some silly dude went ahead and let us get licenses anyway! LOLOLOLOL

And we can VOTE which is just TOTES CRAY CRAY. Who would let a FEMALE make decisions when our hormones make it impossible for us to ever truly understand the complexities of politics?

LOL LOL I don’t even know how I am writing this because I am DUMB as a box of hair rollers. (Which, BTW, I do know how to use because my #1 job is to look pretty to please dudes like Cam!)

Cam is SO right. As a female, I can tell you there are only THREE things I can (and should be allowed to) do:

  • Clean
  • Cook
  • Reproduce

A SMART and MODERN man like Cam knows a FEMALE’S place is chained to the stove/sink while barefoot and pregnant. We’ve got supper to cook, dishes to clean, and babies to pop out. We should NEVER waste our time on things like football–that’s just for MEN.

See, Cam knows what’s up. He played for the prestigious Auburn University which is like the Ivy League for Veterinarians, and Cam can tell you how it is down here in the SEC. Women are not even ALLOWED into football stadiums. Duh. We don’t tailgate; we don’t dress up for the game, and we most certainly do NOT trash talk on Facebook and Twitter. Oh, and we never cuss when the team loses yardage on a critical third down because the ref called a BS offsides penalty because– LOL– what am I even talking about?

This is the Football Boys Club, and we silly FEMALES are NOT ALLOWED.

(This is obviously sarcasm. Kiss my big fat FEMALE butt, Cam.)


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