Ladies, the wait is over. I have found the one and only Prince Charming, and he's available right now! All you have to do is answer his creepy Craigslist ad. Sounds legit, right?

I found this absolute GEM of a Craigslist personal ad when a girlfriend shared the link on Facebook today. I have no idea why she'd even share the link; I'd be afraid other ladies would try to snag my Prince Charming. One look at the post (and the dude who posted it) and I was in L-O-V-E!

WARNING: Call your current husband/boyfriend/partner to end your relationship before reading any further. The words of this Marietta Macho Man will have you seeing stars, girls!

Here's how our Georgia peach begins his personal ad:

I'm seeking a non-smoking female that's probably size 14 or smaller. Look at the pic [aka meme] above with the 5 women. For me #1 and #2 are ok but #3 is too large. Petite and skinny are ok also. You should be no taller than 5'10 [because I'm 5'10], drug, disease and drama free [as I am] and have no kids that must come with you [I have none].

Does this guy have a way with words or what? You can tell from the very first sentence that he obviously has a super liberated worldview and would totally never treat you like a piece of meat!

Look--I've obviously been joking up until this point, as there is NO WAY now or EVER that I (or any sane woman) would fall for this crap. Just... ugh. The cringe is strong straight out of the gate. We get a first sentence that's basically NO FATTIES followed by his mansplaining the definition of 'meme.' WE GOT A REAL WINNER HERE, GALS. Here's more from Marietta McDreamy:

You will live in my nice 1967 brick ranch home with me as my girlfriend and possibly be my wife later if you want. I'm NOT looking for JUST a roommate. I'm looking for a Girlfriend/Lifetime companion to do the following with: cuddle while watching movies, shop for groceries, cook, eat, trade massages, kiss, go to concerts, go walking, etc.

You've got to be his girlfriend from DAY ONE. No way this ends in a Lifetime movie, right?

Our Redneck Romeo continues to ramble on about what he's looking for in a hostage girlfriend. He insists that his ideal mate must speak "decent English" or it's not going to work, and he goes on and on (and on) about how his potential prisoner partner must be drug and drama free. He offers this warning:

[Y]ou must be honest from day one. That means starting with first contact, not a week or month later.

Remember that--it comes in handy later. Anyway, BravesBoi made me LOL with this one:

I'm sorry but we all know what we want and I'm just stating my specifics up front to save time. I hope you can appreciate/respect that as many ladies have emailed to say they wish all guys were as upfront as I am.

SUUUUURE, buddy. I'm certain you've got ladies just beating down the door of your nice 1967 brick ranch home 24/7. Here's his description of himself--the emphasis is mine:

I'm basically retired but I've started selling premium concert tickets this year. I'm a 53 year old East Marietta, GA [Cobb County] homeowner. I listed myself as age 49 in the personals to get views from ladies that type in "49-52" as their max when they do searches, because I look younger than my age in most people's opinion. Plus more views increase my chances of meeting the right lady. I'm a straight Single White Male, 5'10" tall, with no kids or pets. I have no tattoos or piercings but if you do that's fine.

A 53-year-old retiree is not a bad thing. I would be happy if I could retire tomorrow, and some older dudes are super sexy (shout out to Idris Elba, John Slattery, and my one true bae Bill Murray). I'm losing it over the fact that the dude who just stressed the importance of honesty is flat-out admitting that he lies about his age in an attempt to lure in the honeys. What a winner!

He writes about his nice 1967 brick ranch home for a few more lines:

Considering the sentimental value of me being in the house I grew up in and the facts that I've lived in Marietta all of my life, known and trust the neighbors for over 20+ years AND it is paid for, I never plan to move from my current home. So if you never plan to move from your place, even if we fall in love, we are not a match unfortunately.

THE HOUSE HE GREW UP IN, Y'ALL. That means homeboy is living in his parents' house. Again, NO WAY the poor soul who answers this ad doesn't end up on Investigation Discovery.

Duder goes on and on and on and on about his nice 1967 brick ranch home, telling all internet suitors about his mortgage situation, pest control schedule, big screen TV, kitchen, basement, patio, and basement (where you will most certainly NOT end up dead if you answer this personal ad).

He tells us all about what a sweet, caring guy he is, how he values honesty and wit and whatnot... and then he drops this bomb:

I know I'm not handsome, BUT, I'm not expecting gorgeous either so please do not be shy/timid. If you do not try, you'll never know what could have been.

Hey, nothing like realistic goals, right? Also--I'm pretty sure that if you don't answer this ad, the "what could have been" is your murder.

If you're not 100% sold on this dude, maybe the BONUSES will get you:

[BONUSES]: You'll have the whole front bathroom to yourself. You'll not have to pay for rent, wifi, power, cable TV [I have all 8 HBO channels] garbage service or food! I have a Sam's Club Premiere Membership too but I'm sure that is not what seals the deal for you! :-D If you do not have a car, we can get you 1 by web searching. I also have 2 friends that own used car lots and a few others that work for dealers. If your credit is bad I can teach you how to rebuild it. If you have no credit score we can build it pretty quick. More bonuses: I buy and resell "Premium" concert tickets so you'll get to see some great shows with great music! I have a pair of 2016 Atlanta Falcons season tickets [make an offer on any games]. I also have 2017 season tix for both the Falcons AND Braves at their new stadiums! Did I mention I have a Sam's Club Premiere Membership yet?! ;-) [wink]

Ladies, we're talking about a SAM'S CLUB PREMIERE MEMBERSHIP here. None of that plebeian regular membership for this guy! And when he's not busy scalping tickets, he can help you learn how to use Google (because obviously we women are too dumb to know how to perform an internet search) to find a USED CAR. Talk about living the dream!

Our Southern Sexpot tells us more about what he's looking for in a victim girlfriend:

I'm NOT into cyber sex, phone sex or sexting to name just a few. I'm straight, not bisexual. I like hugging, holding hands, cuddling, kissing and massages. I use condoms to avoid STDs/STIs. When we decide to date exclusively I expect you to go get tested with me at my expense.

GROSS.

The ad then tells us all about his church life. Oh, man; the jokes about this ad WRITE THEMSELVES. He then shares his political views, warning liberals not to apply. Curious as to what this hottie does in his free time?

Watching biographies & documentaries, Photography, FaceBook, YouTube, collecting Music CDs, 70's/80's/90's music & trivia, Google, 60's & 70's cars, billiards/pool, collecting trading cards, collecting car magazines, garage sales, walking, buying AND selling on ebay, FB or CL, cooking and home improvements.

Okay then.

He lists his favorite bands, teams, movies, and TV shows--once of which is, and I am NOT kidding here, Bates Motel--before offering his parting thoughts:

Dr. Phil says "Every relationship is a negotiation" AND "Basically everything is negotiable".
So, let's negotiate. Email me now please. [...] It'd be great [not required] if you attach a few pics in your first email, and not just face shots. Lingerie or bikini pics are not required but I do not mind them ;-) [wink]

[...] I've had no dates and have not even even talked or texted on the phone with a potential match this month. I live alone and I'm a total free agent waiting for an email.

WOW.

Just... wow. Dude ends this thing by tossing out Dr. Phil quotes and asking for racy pics... then he tells us that he lives alone and hasn't had a date all month. I WONDER WHY.

He's single and ready to mingle, ladies. Pack up your stuff and get ready to move to this nice 1967 brick ranch home TODAY!

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