The 10 People You Always See at the Movie Theater
We love the movies. Like, really really love the movies. Why? It’s an all-purpose venue! Want to experience a rollercoaster of emotions while feasting your eyes upon some Hollywood hotties? You got it! Or how about catching the latest horror flick with your friends just for the thrill of getting your pants scared off in the first 30 seconds? The movies can provide that for you too, my friend.
As is true with most public places, the movies are also breeding grounds for some pretty interesting characters. We’re not separating ourselves from any of these categories either, because we’re totally guilty of approximately 90% of acting like said characters at one point or another. But that’s exactly why we’re able to spot these entertaining (and in some cases, impressively annoying) theatre staples.
From the super loud popcorn cruncher to the personal space invader, these are the 10 people you’ll meet in a movie theatre.
THE OVERZEALOUS SECURITY GUARD
This guy loves his job. And by “love,” we mean he’s totally and completely obsessed with the idea of catching even the most innocent of movie theatre offenders. He patrols up and down the side aisle with a flashlight during the previews, making sure all hooligans are kept in check at all times. Sure, we appreciate his concern for our well-being to a certain extent. But when we’re in a matinee viewing of ‘Paranorman’ there’s approximately zero chance any criminal action is going down. Settle the kettle, buddy.
THE PDA COUPLE
Going to the movies with your guy or girl amounts to a pretty solid date, especially if its a chick flick. The girl actually wants to watch the movie, and the guy gets massive bonus points for sucking it up and sitting through whatever movie Katherine Heigl is playing an unlucky-in-love PR guru this week. Cue the PDA couple. They’re so adorably In love it makes us simultaneously go “aww!” and gag, and they love to take part in public displays of affection wherever possible. This includes in the two seats directly In front of us. Aside from the whole kiss action going on just inches ahead, they block our view of shirtless Gerard Butler with their lovin’, and that’s just rude.
THE “UPGRADE EVERYTHING” CONCESSION WORKER
One of the things we love most about the movies is getting snacks to munch on. Buttered popcorn, M&Ms, Slurpees– you name it, and we’re in! There comes a point though when innocent snacking approaches sugar coma overload. The guy behind the counter is attacking us with questions: “Do you want a XL tub of popcorn instead with a vat-full of butter instead of that measly medium size?” “For only 3 cents more, you can get an entire barrel of diabetes, uh, I mean soda instead of a small!” When this happens, just breathe, slip him a $20, and walk away…very….slowly.
THE TEXTING TEEN
We’ve all been guilty of rude texting at one point or another, but we think even seasoned violators want to put the kibosh on movie theatre texting. See, the conditions are perfectly awful for this to take place; combine a very dark room, moviegoers who actually want to SEE the movie, and the world’s brightest cell phone light, and we have ourself the most annoying hooligan in the entire theatre. Said texters usually try to be discreet, but it just doesn’t work. All eyes are on you after you whip out that cell phone, pal!
THE CRYING BABY
Don’t get us wrong– we love babies! It’s just that little munchkins of the crying variety are staples in virtually any situation. From the grocery store to the coffee shop, the unhappy campers just want to be heard. In this case, we’re watching ‘Taken 2,’ the music cuts out, and we can sense that Liam Neeson’s daughter is going to get kidnapped again. (Maybe that family should just not travel…) Then a random baby bursts out crying, and we spaz out, knocking into our little snack setup. Now we have Cherry Coke spilling down our pant leg. Besides, what kind of person brings their kid to a Liam Neeson flick anyway?
THE LOUD WHISPERER
We’d like to introduce you to the most curious of characters. We mean like, extra curious. The loud whisperer is a big fan of asking questions in the middle of a dark theatre, and these can range anywhere from “What did that guy in the black shirt with the blonde hair in the back of the van next to that main girl with the squeaky voice just say?” to “Hey Mary-Sue– can you just check for one second to see if this fungal issue on my toes is clearing up?” Listen, it’s great to be a curious cat! We’re big fans of questions. The only thing is, this person has a slight disconnect between acceptable whisper levels and yelling so the rest of the theatre can hear.
THE POPCORN CRUNCHER
Popcorn and the movies go together like Honey Boo Boo and Go Go Juice. Basically, they’re a match made in entertainment heaven. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with eating some corny, salty goodness while watching a film, but there could be an issue when said snacker goes the “crunch every single kernel while chewing like a cow” route. Manners vary from person to person, and we’re not dissing cow-chewers by any means. It’s just that when this is going on right behind us and the popcorn-eating noise echos throughout the theatre, we have to wonder if the dear ol’ oblivious cruncher is in need of a major ear-cleaning.
THE TEEN WHO HATES HIS JOB
There are few jobs you can score during high school that offer any sort of thrill or satisfaction. At the movies, there’s a 99% chance we’ll spot a teen on the theatre staff who looks like he just got poked in the eyeballs but couldn’t care less. He tears your tickets– no smile in site. Even when he asks if you want to upgrade your chocolate chip cookie dough balls and Cherry Slurpee order to an XXL size–still no pearly white action. The poor kid is just bored! Except, we’d be pretty bored too if we had to sweep up crumbs by the concession stand for hours on end. That’s just torture.
THE SUPER EMOTIONAL VIEWER
There are countless reasons people go to the movies, be it for date night, out of boredom or to check out the latest Joseph Gordon-Levitt flick and drool the entire time. Then there’s that person who goes to see a flick for the super emotional factor– that person who gets so into the movie, we become slightly concerned for their well-being. We’re not talking about a specific genre of film, either. If it’s a horror flick, they scream their pants off, and during a sappy rom com, they start bawling when the guy realizes he’s in love with the girl who’s already got another guy. Their wide range of emotions is actually pretty impressive, if you ask us! Just take it outside, please.
THE PERSONAL SPACE INVADER
Sometimes the movies are the perfect place to just get away from everyone. Sunny Sunday afternoons are the ideal time to escape civilization, because no social person is going to hole themselves up in a dark theatre for hours on end during the day. Jackpot– alone time! You grab your upgraded XXL tub of popcorn, settle into the vacant theatre, and then one person walks in. He scans the room trying to decide where to sit as you keep your eyes peeled on the screen and shove that popcorn into your mouth. Finally, the guy settles on the seat right next to you. Out of an entirely empty room, he sits inches away, and you just feel weird. Do you say hi? Do you look over? Say hello to the personal space invader and goodbye to two hours in a comfortable movie theater.